| when paradise calls me, i'd rather be here. |
[17 Sep 2006|09:45am] |
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well, it's been a while. & much has happened.
school started. it's quite excellent to be back, in most ways. other ways, it's kind of hard.
i didn't expect to get so sad as soon as i saw matt; we'd been broken up for three weeks (more, actually) by that point, during which time i didn't really experience much sadness other than the inevitable pangs of the "wow, it's over" i'd feel every once in a while. for the most part, i had been okay, actually confident in my decision and reasoning for wanting it to end, and his reasons as well. as soon as i saw him though, all that logical reasoning kind of dissipated rather quickly. seeing him just reminded me of the following (it's okay; i know i make lists way too much):
- i don't have any best friends at school, who know, day-to-day, what's going on in my life, in my head, etc. (see note)
- every best friend i DO have is at college, or too far to see every day.
- when you have a boyfriend, the best-friend-thing is built-in; i barely realized it, but he was really it. the everyday man; knew every little thing that was happening to me, always; could read me like a book. i didn't even have to talk about it most of the time; he knew, and furthermore, knew what to do to make it better or make me forget about it and put it in perspective. i didn't think that when the relationship was over, that would just be automatically taken from me. my only concern at the time of the break-up was figuring out what we wanted individually, and whether or not we were able to fit one another into that, since things had been changing so rapidly at that point. i never once thought, "once we're broken up, i'll have no one to talk to; i can't possibly ask him to deal with my issues and thoughts now, he'd never want to know or be a part of that."
NOTE: this is mostly my fault. i don't open up to people so easily, because i feel like they don't want to hear it. you know what i mean? those best friends who put up with all your bullshit and complaining because they're your best friends, and they WANT to hear it, because they want to know, and they want you to be okay. i just don't feel like i can bother people with my problems, when in fact, i'm sure there are some people at school who wouldn't MIND hearing them if i needed to speak. this is probably why i always find myself crying in gornto's room every couple of months; it's just a breaking point, and it needs to come out.
so. i guess you could say i've been reeling from it all.
and the other night i allowed myself that giant meltdown that i only permit about once a year; it felt pretty good. and i tried to let down some walls, by calling people i trusted and saying: "hey. can i talk?" and even though that was hard to do, because i haven't let someone REALLY HAVE IT as far as letting out what i'm truly feeling goes in quite a bit, when i woke up this morning, i felt pretty good.
and i suppose that's all you can ever ask for.
HAPPY NEWS:
- i love school and the people i'm around every day; everyone's always so happy and fun, and that just brings SO much optimism to my day.
- the majority of my classes fucking rule. seriously. great material & subject matter, and GREAT teachers.
- i got one of the LEADING PLAYERS in pippin! me and anni, we share the role. which is just SO EXCELLENT, i'm so excited.
- anni & i are also the prez's of drama club, and that rules. rules so much.
- i'm visiting the university of richmond in october to talk to the head of the theatre department (we've been in touch via e-mail for a few weeks now, she's really nice) about scholarship and admission possibilities, and also to see one of their productions. i think i may be applying there ED; it's crazy to think i'm actually making that decision. college college college, i love you and i can't wait to meet you.
- i'm making a sincere effort these next few months to shake everything that i'm dependent upon: granted, i've always been pretty independent in some ways, most ways actually, but over the years, i've definitely come to rely on things that i shouldn't, things that don't last forever. the first step to all this is to accept that i WAS dependent, and to not be ashamed of it; just take it, pin it up, look it over, smile at it, say "it was good times," tear it down, rip it up, and run.
p.s. this is not in the slightest important or insightful, but my boobs grew so much since last year. how the hell did that happen.
i think this was yet another legitimate brain-vomit,
and i don't think i have anything more in there.
until i do,
keep it real. <3
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| scream at me. make it the best i've ever heard. |
[23 Aug 2006|09:41pm] |
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secondhand serenade |
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i'm having a hard time with what i thought was adjusting to post-myrtle life. but it's not just that.
perhaps it was the fact that in myrtle, i was watching aly get ready for college, knowing i had a whole year to go before i could do the same, and also that she was, in a way, leaving and not entirely coming back. or maybe it was that i was spending a lot of time with people already at or past that point in their lives. or maybe it's because i had a lot of time to think about what i really wanted to do, talk about it with a lot of different people from a lot of different perspectives, hashing and rehashing out what was truly best for me, shedding the usual influences here at home that affect me every day.
and i did make some choices.
i decided i don't want to go to school in new york city anymore; i might not even want to stay up north. schools in pennsylvania, jersey, even the city.. it's already all so familiar to me, having grown up in and between those three locations. someone once said to me you should always go where you can find an adventure. granted, new york would be adventurous, but it would also be deathly expensive. and i wouldn't get that classic college-campus feel. i'd get a big, bustling, sometimes harsh and cruel city that would be completely impossible to escape, for even just a single, sound minute. i always thought i could live that life, even embrace it happily. but now, i'm not so sure.
furthermore, i no longer want to go to college to earn a degree in theatre, which is all i've ever considered since i began thinking about college ages ago. of course, i love theatre and performing, have always and will always love it. theatrical performance is something i'll never shake. but i don't need a degree to do it, or even to nurture and better my talent. i can do that by just staying active in theatre. the main problem is it's not a substantial degree i can USE. now i also know college is only kinda about the degree you earn. but if it's all i study (which would be the case if i went to school in the city).. then i'm not coming out with anything else. and it's too subjective and flat-out tough of an industry to risk and try to get your hand in with no fallback.
it's all sort of overwhelming. i was SO set on what i wanted to do, and where i wanted to go. in a matter of three weeks, it's all entirely shifted.
and what exacerbates EVERYTHING is i'm watching so many of my closest friends pack up to go have another year with so much of the unexpected in store; away from home, away from normalcy, away from everything that may have tied them down or shut them up for four years. (ahem. high school.)
that's another problem. why do i hate high school? even at mfs, which has become such a haven for me. it's still high school. and it's worse now that so many of my best friends have graduated, and i'm still here. best four years of my life? are you fucking kidding me?
i was talking to my aunt last week, who, though i love her dearly, doesn't know me all that well. when i delicately tried to explain to her, avoiding the slightest hint of drama in my voice, that high school hasn't exactly been the "fun ride" that it is for most teenagers (at least like it was for her), she didn't understand at all. she said to me, "well.. what did you do?" what did i do? as in, what did i do to make it so difficult at times? i didn't do anything. it was handed to me that way. every year has been a struggle, whether it be social or personal, or both. and when she asked me that, i just felt stupid and ashamed. like i'd fucked something up.
but said feelings were slightly relieved when i heard my cousin, who i believe is twenty-two and usually regarded as a carefree and fun-loving tate, say that she's still bitter over high school. in fact, she still hates the very thought of it. she thinks about it, and she swells with anger. a feeling i know all too well. her eyes even welled up with tears. and i thought, well. perhaps it's not just me.
and i always think about this: aly and me. i love her more than anything, she's been the most consistent and supportive friend i've ever had. but there was once a time, though that was the beginning of our friendship in middle school, that i thought us almost exactly the same. such is SO not the case anymore. and that's definitely a good thing; i much more enjoy the fact that we can be so close in our individuality than in sameness. but what always gets to me, and what often times is embarrassing and sad for me to admit, is that she survived shawnee and i never would have been able to. not only did she survive it, she came out on top, with flying colors. she embodies everything shawnee wants its students to be. she's beautiful and funny, talented in the classroom, on the field, and on the stage, is wonderfully kind and gracious, partakes in more leadership activities than most of her peers, and the list goes on. she's the cream of the crop. and while i'm SO, SO proud of her, it hurts to know that i never would have been able to be that at shawnee. i'd be the theatre geek who shut herself down after her freshman year because she couldn't hack social or personal pressures. i don't know where i'd be if i'd stayed, i really did have to get out of there.
and so i did, and it was the best thing i could have done for myself. and though mfs is definitely the only place i could have gone, it's still not easier. in spite of the joy mfs has brought me that shawnee never could have, i can't lie and say i haven't experienced all kinds of heartache and struggle because of it.
aly's high school experience was the ride. the wonderful four years that, so it seems to me, everyone around me had. not saying she wasn't faced with difficulties; she absolutely was. but she never came so close to losing herself as i did. as i have every year of high school thus far.
AND ANOTHER THING. i feel like every male i've talked to in the past few days (father and brother aside) have been completely objectifying me. all they can do is turn a "perfectly friendly and harmless conversation" into a fiasco in which they make nothing but references to fucking my brains out. and this may be my own hypersensitivity, but good god, i was hanging out with two of my friends, GAY GUYS, and i was greeted by one with, "holy shit, your boobs grew" and the other "oh, i love you, let's go have sex in your car." YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE WOMEN.
i just want some.. respect, and some grace. respect for the fact that high school hasn't been a blast for me, and that it's not because i'm some pessimistic, troubled soul who goes looking for heartache. respect that, as a female, i don't want to be spoken to like i'm a walking, gaping vagina that exists only for every prick, dick, and cock to shove himself into.
i'm just ready for it all to be done. so, so done. so i can start an entirely different chapter anew. new people, new places. not a new me; after all the shit of high school, i've grown rather to love the person i've become than hate her. just me, somewhere else.
but that's not for another YEAR. i still have to get ACCEPTED into a college first.
now i'm just complaining, and i apologize to any and all who read this.
thought-dumps aren't always good.
take it easy.
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| what happens in myrtle beach.. |
[11 Aug 2006|03:53pm] |
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just got back from myrtle today.
oh man. what a different place. between there and home.. well, shiyut.
what a fantastically different place.
and what a short plane-ride away too.
somehow, miraculously, all my perpetual drunken stupors aside, i learned a lot.
which is crazy. you don't go to the beach to learn.
but i did.
SUCH AS!:
what may have seemed wonderful for so long, really isn't. in fact, it's probably bad for you, and is adversely affecting your well-being.
keeping up a lie to the point where it becomes habit will bite you harder and harder in the ass the longer you keep telling it.
the people you expected so little of, or at least nothing truly spectacular of, prove you so very wrong. and with flying colors.
a big brother can save your life, even if you're a twelve-hour drive away.
chugging 4+ huge glasses of water before bed is the only way to wake up feeling like you never even touched alcohol the night before.
except you're going to wake up many a time to pee.
even the tiniest instance has the power to make you revaluate and reconsider everything you've ever believed in or done in your life.
there is always a remedy, for every little thing.
if you shit, and it's odorous, light a match. (i've been told this is common knowledge--such is news to me.)
the one girl who first proved herself to be the very BEST friend you'd ever had before the age of thirteen will remain the very best, regardless of time or distance.
after the fourth beer, it's no different from water.
sometimes you really, really, really and truly have to fuck up to figure out what's best.
and after said fuck-up, your family's perception of you will never change, regardless of how mild or severe the fuck-up was.
shots taken in a pool aren't always wise; your body temperature fluctuates so much it's unenjoyable.
there is no such concept as that of someone being "too tall for you."
even the most unsober female can take a piss in the dunes without peeing all over herself, so you should be able to do the same.
by pulling in resources when you're in a troubling or dire situation, you are the stronger individual. (in short: don't be afraid to get help when you need it.)
and there is absolutely no such thing as laughing too hard. in fact, it's best if your abs ache to the point of tears and you soil yourself a little. or a lot.
most importantly & the summation of my rant: shit happens,
but, ultimately, all good things come from said shit.
that was almost wise. more so a thought-dump.
to be honest, i knew a lot of those random little points already. i just never realized their genuine importance or application to my life.
i can't believe that two weeks went by so quickly, and that i'm back in the godforsaken armpit of america (otherwise affectionately known as "new jersey").
i've got quite a busy time ahead of me. mostly trivial crap.
i said it once, i'll say it again.
lay it on me.
because the sooner it's all over and done with, the sooner i'm back on that beautiful beach on a beautiful day during a beautiful life with beautiful people and nothing but a beautiful night to look forward to.
keep it real, ya'll.
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| there's a whirlwind on the horizon. |
[25 Jul 2006|04:25pm] |
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i could use a nap.
but! tonight is the dixie chicks concert. and they put on seriously fun shows.
AND! em-rigs and sk are joining me. nothing better.
i do believe this may be the last post for quite some time.
myrtle beach is in a few days (and of course, the preparations) and then: family reunion, college visiting, sending rob off, school. never a breather.
however, i anticipate myrtle all year long; it's become the highlight of summer. it's funny; this is my fourth year back with aly and her family, and to think the first year i went, i was fourteen and pretty much bursting with ignorance of youth. hadn't even started shawnee yet, didn't even know what was about to come. it's fucking insane to me.
and every year, we seem to do something a little bit more "badass" than the previous summer. the first year.. well. we didn't do anything, really. i kissed a guy. bahah. the second, we lied about our ages, got tipsy, stayed out late and hooked up with total (older) strangers (what de-badassed the whole situation is the fact that they later became our friends with whom we kept in touch), and last year.. well. some instances of past hazy summer nights are not livejournal appropriate.
teehee.
who knows what this year will bring.
i'm just waiting to get in trouble, i just feel it.
it's good to be young,
and a wee bit reckless.
so! busy, wild remaining summer with much in store: lay it on me.
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| a sheepish return to el-jay. |
[23 Jul 2006|11:50pm] |
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perhaps it was time to bring it back.
we all need somewhere to keep our thoughts straight; or rather, to publicize.
i suppose those actions are one in the same.
and no one reads this anyway.
maybe sarah.
so.
i could recapitulate, for my cyber audience (or lack thereof), every change in my life since the september of my sophomore year, when i left shawnee and transferred to mfs. but that would require explaining my complete shift in identity and personality, and i think i'd need to be under the influence of something incredibly potent to pound all that out in a night.
a random thought-dump! hoorah.
- eating disorder.
- school change.
- social life/circle of friends change.
- eating disorder worsens.
- boyfriend.
- heartbreak.
- boyfriend comes back.
- really good grades.
- eating disorder exacerbated further by stress & loneliness.
- heartbreak part two.
- hatred, of self more so than ex-boyfriend.
- a numb summer with a loss of innocence, identity, and self-control.
(in short, sophomore year sucked huge cock.)
- school's back!
- eating disorder peaks.
- newfound hostility towards previous year's friends.
- an excellent musical production.
- new friendships.
- new young boyfriend.
- new young boyfriend quickly becomes former young boyfriend.
- NEW contemporary (wonderful) boyfriend.
- pretty good grades.
- blood tests & therapy for eating disorder.
- license to drive. oh baby.
- insuppressible feelings of inadequacy in spite of seemingly perfect circumstances.
- continuation of wonderful boyfriend-ing.
- & therapy too.
- junior year ends; we can all breathe at last.
and now as i sit here with my unnecessarily huge one-liter bottle of gerolsteiner mineral water, just a month and a half before my senior year begins, i wonder how i (and so many others) have managed this much of high school without flinging ourselves off cliffs. i don't remember the person who started anew at an unfamiliar school two septembers ago, frightened shitless, nor do i remember the people who helped her segue into the new lifestyle. they've changed too.
i suppose though, in the grand scheme of things, it's good to be changing; "growing up," if you will. if we were all still those skinny and clueless fifteen-year-olds, running around like we'd seen sadness and struggle and raw experience.. we'd be in trouble.
currently!
eating disorder has more ups than downs, boyfriend is still present, friends are beginning to find their way back to one another, and the college search is quietly eating us all from the inside out. what a year it shall be.
but for now, summer, give me something useful to do.
if i continue to sit on my ass, be it at home or at work, i may break something.
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